NOTE: These are facts and anyone doubting that is anti-American or communist or factual or something equally as distasteful!
1) Modern Cycling began in 1991 with the rise of the grunge movement out of Seattle.
2) Early bicycles were powered by small weasel-fed engines.
3) For health reasons, it is recommended you either where a cup or have your testicles removed prior to riding a bicycle.
4) Road bike tires were originally made from whale sphincters.
5) Mountain bike tires were originally made from hippie hair (though everyone thought that was really nasty).
6) The Tour de France was actually named for Colonel Francis "Tour de France" Williamson and not for the country in which it is supposedly held. That country was actually named for the colonel as well because, and I quote, "he was such a cool guy" and Stinkymeanpeoplesburg was too long.
Thursday, 26 June 2008
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
Seriously Folks...
it is Bike To Work Day, not our liberation from British rule. Let's not be so deliberate in our accusations of who biked to work and who didn't even try (namely me). That said, I found out from sources close to the situation that the coordinator of this years already scandalized BTWD may have indeed been less than forthcoming with the faithful few who count on him for guidance. Evidently Devin himself thought today was the warm up (and less than popular) Bike Halfway to Work Day and Then Give Up and Get A Ride the Rest of the Way With a Travelling Bible Salesman and His Wife Who Are Originally From Oregon (but business has been terrible there so they had to take to the road in order to make a good hard-earned honest man's living) Day or BHWDTGUGARRWWTBSHWWAOO(bbhbttsthttttriotmagh-ehml)D as it is called by the founders.
OK, this is the dumbest thing ever. Who handed this to me? WTF, people? We are trying to run a respectible slander site. What is this rubbish, what are we??? Amatures? You are pathetic! This is what I get for not reading what is handed me before I write it down in a blog.
And shame on you, Devin. Read a calendar every once in a while.
OK, this is the dumbest thing ever. Who handed this to me? WTF, people? We are trying to run a respectible slander site. What is this rubbish, what are we??? Amatures? You are pathetic! This is what I get for not reading what is handed me before I write it down in a blog.
And shame on you, Devin. Read a calendar every once in a while.
And the winner is...
Everyone who got to witness Devin turning red while finding out that the grand prize winner for biking in the longest distance (Brian G.) never biked into work. It was great. Brian was defensive, Devin was defensive... I was crying because I found the whole sceen too funny. Oh, no I didn't bike in to work today either in case you wondered. I never planned on it because I have a problem with the "establishment" telling the "people" when to ride their bikes or when to have a birthday or when to celebrate Christmas. WHATEVER!
Sorry about that. So it turns out there will be a new grand prize winner for Bike to Work Day. No doubt they will have a totally awesome prize like a strobe headlight or platinum rims for their bike or something of that most useful nature.
What I learned today is that if you F with the coordinator of a Bike to Work Day, you had better be prepared to get run the F over if you get caught. This is no joking matter... evidently... for some reason.
Sorry about that. So it turns out there will be a new grand prize winner for Bike to Work Day. No doubt they will have a totally awesome prize like a strobe headlight or platinum rims for their bike or something of that most useful nature.
What I learned today is that if you F with the coordinator of a Bike to Work Day, you had better be prepared to get run the F over if you get caught. This is no joking matter... evidently... for some reason.
Monday, 16 June 2008
Dear Diary...
6/16/2008 - Looking back at what has been happening, I have to say that certain things have impressed me greatly. Let's evaluate the numbers.
2 - The number of races Devin has completed this month. He has actually reached down and evaluated his manhood and deemed it acceptable to act like a cyclist.
4 - The number of finishes Devin has overall this season. This number is 2 more than a normal season causing Devin to actually consider running for office with the ACA. Keep it in your pants, Devin... it is just a couple races.
6 - The number of races Devin has started this season. This number looks rather awful until you pair it with the previous number af races he has finished.
8 - The number of times Devin begged me to write something nice about him.
9 - The number of times Devin threatened me to write something nice about him.
Devin is becoming a cyclist.
Wednesday, 21 May 2008
The Real Motivation Behind Devin's Amazing Victory......FINISHING
Words spoken from a true champion.
The 7-time Tour de France Champion.
Rumor has it Devin taped this quote to his handlebar and was heard repeating this quote over and over again as he grunted and cried to the finish.
Sunday, 18 May 2008
In A World Of Uncertainty
In the beginning the earth was void of anything even remotely resembling the bike. Then on a cloudy, sunny, warm-cool day Baron Karl von Drais decided to change everything and give unto the world personal transportation. And just like that flimsy contraption did for mankind, the dandy horse known to us as Devin introduced me to pain and misery on Saturday.
I took my son to the race in Lakewood to watch what I was sure would be another opportunity for me me to point out a failure in racing. Instead I got sunburned, chased after Liam yelling "put down that cone" and "look out for the racers", and was introduced to the hell that is watching a 50 mile 3 lap race. So that was nice.
Liam loved it because he was able to chuck rocks, play with various bugs, and watch the kids race their version of the Tour de France sans steroids. Well I suspected this burley 7' three year old of being on something until his father assured me it was the results of a completely legal protein powder from GNC.
Devin's Race-
Lap 1:
They took off. I nearly missed this due to my aforementioned son and his penchant for chucking stones. 45 minutes or so later Devin came riding by looking like someone pissed in his protein shake (no, a different protein shake... have you even seen Devin?). Turns out he was just overheating.
Lap 2:
They kept going. About another 45 minutes later half of the racers were already past and no sign of Devin. I had shared a delicious BBQ chicken sandwich with Liam and was feeling rather like leaving to take a nap. (We had seen 3 races finish in the time it took these "grown-ups" to complete one lap. Should be paying the kids to ride especially Jr. Hefty von Proteinpowder.) We started walking toward the hill down to the car. We had to cross part of the race trail but before could get there, Devin decided to thwart our escape by tossing his nearly empty water bottle at us as he rode by. (Where did he even come from?) Liam made it his personal mission to hand the container back to Devin. Guess we are staying put.
Lap 3:
And on and on they raced. Could this be Devin? Nope, too fast. This one? Nope, too old. Ahhh... no. Too feminine. Too feminine??? That doesn't sound like me. How about too masculine... and it was a girl. Perfect. Anyway, just as I thought we were going to be treated to another classic DNF, I saw a bike begin it's slow motion decent (much like Chariot's of Fire without the horses) towards the rocky turn that had claimed so many racers that afternoon. I saw a figure pushing himself to the limits much like Cher's attempt to be a man. Like Corky from Life Goes On I saw the face of an angel... with Down's Syndrome. I saw no sign of my son, where the duce did he get off to... oh, "hey get back over here. You scare the hell out of me when you take off like that." I looked to again see Devin. This time he was coming around that perilous corner for he last 150' of trail. Why is his shirt open? He crossed the finish line smiling to my son and I with a look of triumph in his surely hung-over, bleary, Irish eyes.
He had done it. Despite the odds stacked against him by there being a race. Despite the evidence of the mobs of fans along the trail (why else would his shirt be half off?). Despite this blog, Devin had overcome his fear of finishing a race to come in some place between #1 and # last! Better luck next time, Devin.
I took my son to the race in Lakewood to watch what I was sure would be another opportunity for me me to point out a failure in racing. Instead I got sunburned, chased after Liam yelling "put down that cone" and "look out for the racers", and was introduced to the hell that is watching a 50 mile 3 lap race. So that was nice.
Liam loved it because he was able to chuck rocks, play with various bugs, and watch the kids race their version of the Tour de France sans steroids. Well I suspected this burley 7' three year old of being on something until his father assured me it was the results of a completely legal protein powder from GNC.
Devin's Race-
Lap 1:
They took off. I nearly missed this due to my aforementioned son and his penchant for chucking stones. 45 minutes or so later Devin came riding by looking like someone pissed in his protein shake (no, a different protein shake... have you even seen Devin?). Turns out he was just overheating.
Lap 2:
They kept going. About another 45 minutes later half of the racers were already past and no sign of Devin. I had shared a delicious BBQ chicken sandwich with Liam and was feeling rather like leaving to take a nap. (We had seen 3 races finish in the time it took these "grown-ups" to complete one lap. Should be paying the kids to ride especially Jr. Hefty von Proteinpowder.) We started walking toward the hill down to the car. We had to cross part of the race trail but before could get there, Devin decided to thwart our escape by tossing his nearly empty water bottle at us as he rode by. (Where did he even come from?) Liam made it his personal mission to hand the container back to Devin. Guess we are staying put.
Lap 3:
And on and on they raced. Could this be Devin? Nope, too fast. This one? Nope, too old. Ahhh... no. Too feminine. Too feminine??? That doesn't sound like me. How about too masculine... and it was a girl. Perfect. Anyway, just as I thought we were going to be treated to another classic DNF, I saw a bike begin it's slow motion decent (much like Chariot's of Fire without the horses) towards the rocky turn that had claimed so many racers that afternoon. I saw a figure pushing himself to the limits much like Cher's attempt to be a man. Like Corky from Life Goes On I saw the face of an angel... with Down's Syndrome. I saw no sign of my son, where the duce did he get off to... oh, "hey get back over here. You scare the hell out of me when you take off like that." I looked to again see Devin. This time he was coming around that perilous corner for he last 150' of trail. Why is his shirt open? He crossed the finish line smiling to my son and I with a look of triumph in his surely hung-over, bleary, Irish eyes.
He had done it. Despite the odds stacked against him by there being a race. Despite the evidence of the mobs of fans along the trail (why else would his shirt be half off?). Despite this blog, Devin had overcome his fear of finishing a race to come in some place between #1 and # last! Better luck next time, Devin.
Thursday, 15 May 2008
2008 Battle The Bear XC Mt. Bike Race. Game On!!!
Devin has confirmed he is registered for this local race in Lakewood, CO. The pressure is on and Devin looks good to get another DNF of the season. Based on his training he looks to crash his bike about a mile from the finish. That is the game plan but you never know a bear could pop out on the trail and scratch him causing him to DNF. Maybe a spectator yells too loud and scares him causing him to stop racing fearing the same loud cheering the next lap around. No one really knows what's going to happen but it is sure to be an exciting DNF'er for Devin. Stay tuned for the latest and greatest news on Devin: The DNF'er.
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